Authors: Erin & Candace, who, if combined, could be Erace or Candin

Part 25 Author: Candace

Fandom: HtLJ/XWP

Pairing: Deimos/Phobos, Xena/Berry/Gabs

Summary: Olympus holds its breath in anticipation of the biggest damn wedding of all time! And Iolaus has something to eat.

Archive: Candace's Fugue, Erin's House-O-Fanfic, our LJs, RCoS

Feedback: Swear to god. Feedback, or else we stop at part 30 and you are haunted for the rest of your days not knowing how it ended.

Rating: PG

Warnings: A few lewd comments. Twincest. A strange dessert.

Disclaimers: There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was his name-o

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PAYRE OF FOOHLS
Part 25
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Hera had been busy pruning her lovely eternal rose garden when the first request came. She’d been baking cookies for the Muses when the second hit. And having her roots touched up when the third bombarded her.

“I guess May is just the time of year for weddings,” she said, shaking her head ruefully.

By the time the fourth request streamed in, the Queen of the Gods and the Goddess of Marriage was feeling a little frazzled.

And then the fifth request showed up.

“My, my,” she said, blotting dew from her brow. “Even I can’t be everywhere at once. What shall I do?”

She was distracted by a pair of blue flashes. “Gran’ma Hera?”

Hera turned from her solitaire game to behold her twin grandsons, the gods of Fear and Terror; horrible jobs, but someone had to do them. “Yes, my dears?”

“We’ve been thinkin’,” Phobos began.

Deimos looked demurely at this toes and scuffed his brown, metal-studded boot into the Persian carpet before taking up the thread begun by his twin. “You know how me an’ Phob’ do, like, *everything* together?”

Their heads snapped up simultaneously and they looked at each other and blushed. And somehow Phobos found the voice to continue. “Yeah, it’s like without Deimie, I’m just not...whole.”

“And without Phob’,” Deimos went on, “I’m just an empty shell.”

The two blond twin War Gods gazed into each others’ pale blue-green eyes adoringly.

“Wait just a moment,” said Hera. The vibrations pouring fourth from the pair of godlings was much more than brotherly. “Are the two of you saying what I think you’re saying? That you want to get mar--?”

“I don’t ever wanna be apart from him again!”

“I wanna be with him forever!”

The two said at once.

Hera gently set her cards down and considered the boys. Twins. Somehow, their desire seemed contrary to the wholesomeness of the sacrament. And yet. Were she and Zeus not brother and sister?

“Very well,” she sighed.

“Oh, wow!” said Phobos, his eyes utterly round.

Deimos smacked his lips and wriggled his fingers. “So...how’re we gonna do it?”

“Well,” Hera began. “I assume you’ll want to write your vows and invite all of your loved ones.”

“Really?” Phobos said, his pale eyebrows raised.

“No, no, not the preliminaries,” said Deimos. “When you join us, where will it be. At the hip? Or the shoulder? Or maybe the head???”

Hera squinted at him. “I don’t follow.”

Deimos crossed his arms over his chest. “Where, specifically, will we be conjoined?”

Hera’s complexion went vaguely green. “Oh,” she said quietly. “Oh.”

“I think we should be joined at the head,” Phobos said. “That’ll look really scary to the mortals.”

“But the expression is ‘joined at the hip,’ isn’t it?” Deimos asked.

“Boys,” Hera said, weariness evident in her voice. “I must take some time to consider your request.”

“But gran’maaaaa.....” Phobos whinged. “You already said yeeeesssss!!!!!”

“Silence!” Hera snapped with an imperious wave of her hand. “I have a very large wedding to plan. After that, we’ll discuss your...idea.”

“Wedding,” echoed Deimos. “Yeah, me an’ Phob’, we *thought* about gettin’ hitched. But gettin’ conjoined. That’s more of a statement, dontcha think?”

“Young man, I’m counting to three, and then you’d better be gone. One. Two.”

With identical sulking pouts, the twin War Godlings disappeared.

*****

All the surfaces in Olympus had been buffed and polished until they gleamed. Great bouquets of flowers adorned every surface, and all of the minor gods and goddesses had worn their very best togas in anticipation of the great event.

The Muses arrived singing and playing a merry tune. The Graces trailed rose petals of pink and lavender behind them. And the Furies tittered to themselves in the corner.

Gods higher in status began filling out the ranks: Nike and Hebe, Pollux and his mortal twin Castor, Enyo in her ancient battle armor and Priapus with his massive member.

In a gout of black smoke, the gods from the Underworld made their arrival. Winged twins Hypnos and Thanatos stood side by side in matching kilts of platinum cloth. Morpheus stood to one side, his scintillating cloud of dreams partially obscuring his handsome face. Persephone, her hair wreathed with fruit and flowers, was aglow with anticipation. And above them all towered Hades, eyes serious, in his jet black armor and blood red cape.

One by one the Olympians--those who weren’t getting married that day, anyway--began to fill the chamber: Apollo on his golden surfboard, Bacchus weary from all the wine he’d had to produce, and Demeter in a gown of flowing green vines.

And they kept on coming: Poseidon, Artemis, and Athena. Hermes limped in, groaning about his feet being swollen from delivering so many invites.

Hephaestus and Aphrodite were among the last to arrive, the Goddess of Love leaning on her husband’s strong arm, weary from the sleepless nights of preparation and yet giddy with joy that her baby Cupid was finally going to get married. And not to some mortal whore with aspirations of godhood. And her baby Joxie was getting hitched, too! It really didn't get any better!

Five happy couples and one trio waited patiently behind a snow white curtain of finest linen while the ranks of the gods amassed.

“Say,” Autolycus sneered, eyeballing the pair of identical blond War Twins. “I thought you two wanted to get--attached, or something. Not married.”

Deimos poked out his tongue and didn’t stoop to replying. Phobos gave Xena a tiny wave. “A real smart lady told us it’d be a bitch to have sex if we were joined. So we’re settling for this.”

“I see,” Auto said, edging around his bride-to-be so that he placed her between himself and the Dastardly Duo.

Gabrielle gave a squeeze to the strong hand on either side of her, gazing up at each raven-haired, azure-eyed lover and sighing in contentment. She was nervous. It would’ve been nerve-wracking enough to join one true love in wedded bliss. But two? It was downright scary. She tried to swallow past a lump in her throat, and tried again, to no avail. She needed a drink.

Of course, her fiancee Beraeus could probably just conjure one up. He was a god, after all. But Gabby didn’t want him to think she was using him for his godhood. She decided to go find something to drink the mortal way.

“Um, guys? I’ll be right back.”

“Hurry back, my delectable morsel,” Beraeus rasped. Xena raised an eyebrow and allowed the ghost of a smile to touch her handsome lips.

Ducking through the crowd of gaily-clad soon-to-be-spouses, Gabrielle spied a split in the back of the veiled enclosure and headed for it, the press of the crowd making her dizzy.

Beyond the enclosure were table upon table laden with all sorts of delicacies. Fruit, meat, breads and wines of all various kinds. Thankfully, the room was empty, and Gabbie felt she could catch her breath. And then she heard a wet sound, kind of a slurp.

“Hello?” she said, thinking she might not be alone.

“Crap!”

“Iolaus? Is that you?”

Blushing, the pink-tinged Golden Hunter peered out from behind a lofty tower of quivering red dessert. “I was hungry,” he said sheepishly.

Gabrielle released a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “I’m kinda glad you’re here,” she said, approaching the short man. He’d traded in his purple vest for supple gray leathers tooled with black and silver accents, and he looked quite handsome. “I’m really nervous.”

“Me too,” he said around a gelatinous mouthful. “Makes me really. Hungry.”

The bard’s hand fluttered to her stomach. “I don’t see how you can eat at a time like this.”

Iolaus shrugged and hid the huge dent he’d made in the dessert with some garnish. “I dunno. But it’s really good. Probably some god’s secret recipe. You should try it.”

Gabrielle poked at the shimmering, gently quaking tower. “What is it. An aspic?”

Iolaus shrugged again. “Some kind of jelly, I guess.”

“Really. I couldn’t eat a thing,” she said. And then her stomach rumbled.

“I really think this would settle your stomach.”

“Well, okay. Maybe one bite.”

*****

“Before we get started,” Hera said to the nervous group of brides and bridegrooms, “I think we’ll need to straighten something else out.”

The soon-to-be-wed group hushed expectantly.

“Joxer. Beraeus. You’re going to have to deal with Zeus.”

“I’ll bet he’s going to be angry,” Joxer said sadly.

Beraeus steepled his fingers. “Just let him try something like that again,” he murmured. “He’ll be collecting corpses that give new meaning to the word ‘stiff.’”

Hera silenced Beraeus with a meaningful look. “None of that. At least, not until *I’m* angry over something with him too.” She folded her arms regally. “With all of the gods and goddesses present, I think the two of you should announce your return.”

Joxer nodded slowly, clutching Ares’ big, damp hand in his. “Yes, I see. That way they can all start remembering us.”

“That’s right,” agreed Hera. “And your poor father, thinking all these years that he’s childless, will be consoled.”

Xena touched her husband-to-be’s arm and gave him a piercing look.

“Hades,” he whispered.

“Ah,” she said knowingly.

Just then, Gabrielle slid between them, slipping an arm around each of their waists. Beraeus and Xena each bent to kiss her blonde head at the same moment, and once they’d done that, their lips brushed together as well.

“How do you feel?” Xena solicited.

Gabrielle considered. “Good. Pretty darn good, actually.”

“We should get formalities over with,” Beraeus rumbled, then bent his head and added in a breath that only his future wives could hear. “The sooner they’re done, the sooner I’ll have you. Naked and screaming with delight.”

“The crowd *is* getting anxious,” Xena said helpfully. “We should begin.”

*****

Candace
Olympian Caterer
Twin Touter

www.candace1.com/fugue

Title: Pair of Fools 26/31

Authors: Candace 'n Erin, demigods of dialect

Part 26 Author: Erin

Fandom: HtLJ - X:WP

Pairing:  If ya don't know by now....

Summary:  Zeus screws things up.

Archive: Candace's Fugue, Erin's House-O-Fanfic, our LJs, RCoS

Feedback:  Give me feedback or I'll get upset. Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Rating: PG

Warnings: Just a tad bit 'o language.

%&%&%&%
Pare of Fols
Part 26
%&%&%&%%

Zeus showed up last, wanting to make an entrance as always. He arrived in a blinding flash of the whitest light, and when it faded, he stood on top of the dias, looking as regal as possible in his purple and orange robes, expecting all eyes to be focused on him. But they weren't. All eyes were on the two men standing in front of the curtain at the back of the room.

"Just great," Zeus muttered, scowling at the sight of them. "How *dare* you appear on Olympus!" he shouted, pointing accusingly at them. "I banished you and since I'm King of the Gods, that means you *stay* banished."

There was some confused muttering among the other gods, but he ignored it, glaring harder. He'd just erase everyone's memories again when these two were gone.

"It's not going to happen," said Beraeus, returning the glare. "I got stuck as a mortal for too long, I even *died* a mortal death. Now I'm a god again and I'm *staying* that way."

"I too refuse to be mortal again," Joxer said, meeting the powerful god's glare unwaveringly. "As God of Peace, I am needed here and I will not be cast down again."

Beraeus nodded in agreement, looking into the crowd, searching, and finally saw Hades. "Hello, father," he said, with a triumphant grin.

"Hi, dad." Jox waved slightly, grinning at the confused Death god.

The God of the Dead blinked, at first uncertain who the unfamiliar gods were, but then suddenly memories washed over him. Before Persephone had fallen into his life, there'd been one, sublime afternoon with Aphrodite, a moment of pure bliss that had resulted in a cherished son, Joxer. But after Hades had married Persephone, he had eyes for no other. As much joy as Joxer had given him, and his queen who considered the Peace God as her own son, they'd longed for another child. But it'd turned out that Persephone couldn't have children.

After much grief, the idea had occurred to Hades. He'd given her the best gift a husband could to his wife, they'd conceived Beraeus together and *he'd* carried the child for her. They'd gone through so much to have Bereaus, so much planning and false hopes and finally figuring out that it was Hades who could carry him was a wondrous miracle. And then their little baby boy had arrived. The delivery had been so hard on Hades; Hera had been busy and Ace was on vacation so he'd had to deliver their son the natural way, and if he couldn't sit down for two weeks afterwards, he knew it had been worth it with every site of their newborn son, so handsome and with such pretty eyes. And he'd been a treasure to have around for centuries, amusing himself as much in the Underworld as in Olympus itself with his older brother, Joxer -- although the Necrophilia part of his job probably had something to do with him hanging around the Underworld.

But then one day, Zeus had called Hades to Olympus, announced that he was banishing both of Hade's beloved sons, and stripped his brother's memories from him. And now Hades remembered.

"You bastard!" Hades shouted, shoving through the crowd to point accusingly at Zeus. "You took my sons away!"

"And you denied Strife knowledge of his father!" Discord shrieked from behind the curtain, tears of fury glittering in the deep pools of her eyes.

Autolycus couldn't help thinking that she was hot even when she was pissed off and he hugged her closer, grabbing a handful of her ass at the same time.

"Wait a sec." Strife's eyes widened as he looked over at his mother. "Ya mean, one 'o dem dudes out dere's my *pops*?!?!? Uh.it's not Joxer, is't?" The pale god winced at that thought.

"It's Beraeus," the dark haired goddess said. "I woulda toldjya, but I forgot, just like the rest of Olympus."

"Dat jus' *suxs*!" the Mischief God shouted, sniffing back tears of fury himself. "Hey! Ya stupid ole' goat out dere! I shoulda got ta know my old man!"

Cupid hugged him consolingly, patting him comfortingly on the back. "At least you know now," said the winged god.

"Yea," the dark haired god sniffed again, "I got an eternity ta get ta know 'im now, 'n he's gotta seriously *wicked* job!" He smirked.

Persephone pulled away from her husband, wide eyes focused on the two young gods standing there. "Beraeus? Joxer?" She was by their sides, tears in her eyes as she stared at their long lost sons.

"Mother." Beraeus smiled at her

"Hi, 'Sephy," Joxer grinned, and then she did burst into tears.

"**Joxie**!!!!" Suddenly Aphrodite was there, throwing her arms around the dark haired man in a tight hug. "Oh, how could I have *forgotten* my little boy?!?!"

"It's okay, Mom," the Peace God patted her on the back comfortingly. "I don't think you did forget, not totally. You saw a lot of me when I was mortal, didn't you?" He smiled at her as she pulled back. He didn't like seeing his beautiful mother in tears, but at least they were tears of happiness.

"It's *so* good to *see* you again, honey!!!" the Love Goddess cooed, then she squealed loudly. "And you're getting *married* too!!!! This is just the **best** day!!!"

"Yes, 'Res will be perfect husband for me," Joxer said dreamily.

By this time all of the gods had regained their memories of the two former, now once again gods, and there were angry mutterings all around as they recalled the unfair way Zeus had stripped the two of their powers. Zeus didn't care though. He was King of the Gods and that gave him the right to do whatever he wanted and that included stopping a marriage!

"I forbid it!!!" he shouted. "A God of Peace may be needed, that is true, but a God of Necrophilia and Nymphomania is *not*!!! If you both wish to remain here, then you, Joxer, will *forget* about marrying my son, Ares. You will *never* see him **again**!!!! Is that *clear*?!?!?" His pronouncement rang throughout the hall, stunning the other gods into silence with its power and cruelty. "If you ever attempt to so much as *look* at him, not only will I cast Beraeus back down, *Ares* will suffer for your disobedience!!!!"

The King of the Gods smirked, hoping that the Peace God would disobey him because there were few things he enjoyed more than disciplining Ares. First he'd beat him to a bloody pulp, then order him to destroy a few innocent towns and villages, because that always reduced the War God to tears. Already he could hear muffled sobbing coming from behind the white curtain, and knowing it was Ares, weeping in despair, Zeus laughed long and loudly.

;?;?;?;?
Erin
Family reunion planner of the Olympians
Holder of Ares' hankies

Erin's House-O-Fanfic
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My page on AJCS (come laugh at the typos in my fic)
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The old KSA archive with some of my old fic on it
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Joxerotica II, because I'm archived here.
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Hey, I'm archived here too!
http://www.asherasarchive.com/main.html

And here!
http://www.redkrowe.com/~jla/

And h-- do I really have to say it?
http://www.geocities.com/rcostrife/rcosmain.html

Title: Pair of Fools 27/31

Authors: Erin & Candace, Prolific Penners

Part 27 Author: Candace

Fandom: HtLJ - X:WP

Pairing: everyone n' everyone

Summary:  You don't think we'd let Zeus ruin such a hard-earned wedding, do you?

Archive: Candace's Fugue, Erin's House-O-Fanfic, our LJs, RCoS

Feedback:  *sigh*

Rating: PG

Warnings: stupid godhood alert

Disclaimers: I think Erin's last disclaimer said something about cheese. But I'm not positive.

^^^^^^^^^^^^
PAIR OF FOOLS
Part 27
^^^^^^^^^^^^

Behind the white curtain, Iolaus couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He’d always suspected Zeus was a prick, but now he knew for sure. “Herc,” he hissed. “I know you’re leery of Beraeus. But Joxer--he’s always been a good guy. You can’t let this happen.”

The mighty Son of Zeus looked down at his husband-to-be, tears brimming in his cerulean eyes. He glanced at Ares, who’d dissolved in fit of weeping, and then back at his lover. “How could I have been so blind. Iolaus, forgive me!!!!”

The large and small mans’ lips met, tongues stroking, and they parted, gasping for breath. “You gotta earn it, Herk,” said Iolaus, swollen-lipped. “Don’t let this happen. Joxer and Ares *deserve* to be as happy as we are.”

“Your right,” Herc said, dashing out from behind the curtain, knocking Deimos and Phobos on their asses on the way. He strode out from between a tongue-tied Joxer and a fuming Beraeus, marching up the marriage processional all the way to Zeus himself. “There’s gonna be a wedding,” he said, his tone deadly serious. “There’s gonna be six, in fact.”

“We were thinking maybe we wanted a hand-fasting ceremony instead,” said Deimos from the floor.

“Silence,” Zeus thundered! He turned eyes full of rage on his favorite son. “How DARE you defy me?” he roared, forming a great ball of crackling power between his hands.

“Nooooo!!!” Iolaus cried, dashing forward. Phobos had started to rise but was knocked down again by the force of Iolaus’ passing. Everyone turned as a great clatter arose, and suddenly the entire wedding feast followed in Iolaus’ wake, flying through the air with great force, a plethora of hot, deadly projectiles.

Before he knew it, Zeus found himself pelted with meatballs and stuffed olives, with hard little figs beaning him about the pate, and hollandaise sauce scalding his face while it dripped into his eyes. He opened his mouth to bellow, and a single grape rocketed in, lodging in his windpipe.

All of Olympus held their breath while the King of the Gods sank to his knees and clawed at his throat, lips turning blue.

Hades was the first to step forward, staring down at his brother without helping him. “What’s this?” he said. “What’s happened.”

Iolaus stopped in his tracks and the food fell to the ground with a series of thunks and splats. “I feel really...strange,” he said, knees buckling.

“I’m here, little buddy,” said Hercules, catching his lover by the armpits. “I’ve gotcha.”

Beraeus and Joxer stepped forward, the Necrophilia God’s head swiveling to regard the small blond. “It was him,” he said, pointing a sepulchral finger. “I felt a definite surge of divinity.”

“Yes,” Joxer said thoughtfully. “So did I. Iolaus, you just attacked the King of the Gods!!!”

“Whaaa?”

“What are you saying?” Hercules demanded.

The entire hall was silent. Zeus had sagged down to all fours and his body wracked with silent spasms, trying to dislodge the divinely-powered grape. And then, as all other noise faded, the sound of scratching could be heard. Everyone looked up to see a golden scroll floating in the air, with a bright silver quill writing upon it. As the group beheld it, the quill paused.

“Well,” Gabrielle prompted. “What are you two saying? And make it good, it’s for posterity.”

“Gabrielle,” Xena gasped. “How are you doing that?”

“Doing what?” asked the Blond Bard.

Xena pointed at the floating scroll and quill, and Gabrielle observed them with great interest. “Huh. Would you look at that?”

“Look,” Ares said, knuckling tears from his eyes. He pointed a trembling hand toward a large, quivering plate of reddish jelly with walnuts and raisins suspended inside. “The ambrosia! It’s half-eaten!!”

“By the Styx,” Hades exclaimed, looking at Gabby and Iolaus. “You’ve made yourselves gods!!!”

Gabrielle concentrated, and the silver quill scratched Hades’ proclamation into the Scroll of History.

Iolaus looked confused. “So I have the power to...control food?”

Hercules took him by the shoulders and gazed into his earnest eyes. “You must learn to harness your power and channel it well,” he said seriously. “You must only use it for good, and never evil.”

“The God of Prepared Foods,” Joxer murmured sagely. “Wear the mantle proudly.”

Beraeus sighed and nudged Iolaus. “Perhaps you had better decide what to do with him,” he said, pointing at Zeus. The King of the Gods sprawled on the floor, twitching a bit. “He’s beginning to look appealing to me.”

Joxer gazed down at his grandfather. “I *will* marry Ares. And Hercules *will* marry Iolaus. And Auto *will* marry Discord. And Beraeus *will* remain a god, and marry Xena and Gabs. And Deimos and Phobos *will*...uhm....”

“Hurry it up,” Beraeus hissed. His life thread grows weaker.”

“Iolaus,” Joxer prompted. The God of Prepared Foods waved a hand, and the grape popped from between Zeus’ lips, ricocheted off several pillars, bounced down a small flight of stairs and came to rest between Ares’ boot-shod feet, where it was anointed by Ares' tears.

“Nice shot,” Xena said admiringly.

Beraeus turned his chill gaze upon Hades. “He will try to strip me of my power again. You know that.”

Hades looked across the hall at Persephone, and their eyes began to glow, Hades’ deep red and Persephone’s spring green. “No,” Hades intoned. “He will not.”

“Henceforth, he has no memory of Hunnypuss, nor of your banishment,” said Persephone.

The light in Hades’ eyes flared, and it was so. “The weddings will go on,” he commanded.

Zeus stood up, a bit wobbly, and blinked sauce from his eyes. He stared at the assembly of gods, his eyes darting from one face to the next. Above his head, the silver quill scratched away. Finally, Zeus looked at the hall around him.

“What happened to the food?” he said.

*****

Candace
Memory Maker of the Gods
Keeper of Hades' Testosterone
www.candace1.com/fugue

Title: Pair of Fools 28/31

Authors: Candase and Eryn, masters of the duex ex machina

Part 28 author: Erin

Fandom: Herc-Xena

Pairing: Name it.

Summary: I love you, you love me, we're a happy family....

Archive: Candace's Fugue, Erin's House-O-Fanfic, our LJs, RCoS

Feedback: Feedback? Hello? Echo?

Rating: PG

Warnings: Hanky alert! Cuz its such a grate rap up & it mad me cri sew U wil cri to!!!!!!111!!!!

Disclaimers: Attention! I don't own the hunky guys. Don't sue! I've had three years of French; this makes no sense. I am the cheese. (Should've looked up walrus.)

#*#*#*#*#*#
paIr of foOls
Part 28
#*#*#*#*#*#*

Hera was running late, due to a few problems with her new formal gown. She knew she'd already missed Zeus' big entrance and she'd hear about that later, but she knew how to pacify him. He really was a big ball of fluff in her hands, and so handsome too, she sighed at the thought. Despite their little.spats over the years, they really did love each other.

The minute she arrived at the wedding though, she knew something was wrong. Zeus wobbling on his feet, then falling at her feet was a big clue.

"Hi, honey," he smiled at her, "help me up?"

"What's going on around here?" she asked confusedly. Looking around, she saw the food set aside for the celebration after the wedding, covering the floor, walls, a few of the guests, and splattered all over Zeus himself. Above the crowd, a golden scroll was floating, a silver quill scratching madly across the parchment.

"I have no idea," Zeus answered bemusedly, picking an olive off his tunic and popping it in his mouth.

"We'll explain later," Persephone whispered, her arms around her husband, Beraeus and Joxer.

"It's a totally wicked tale!" Strife giggled from where he was attached to Cupid, arms and legs locked around his winged honeymuffin of Love.

"Food makes every story good," Iolaus put in with a grin.

"Can we get attat.uh.married now?" Deimos and Phobos chorused.

Then Hera understood. The King of the Gods must've confronted the two gods he'd wrongfully punished and the rest of the family had stepped in somehow. She'd get the story later, she'd make sure of it, but the twins were right, now it was time for a wedding.

She reached down to help her husband to his feet when suddenly she caught sight of someone else in the crowd before her.

"*Hercules*!!!" she hissed, dropping Zeus.

The King of the Gods hit his head on the stone floor and passed out. No one noticed.

Hercules immediately tensed for a fight. He'd known that doing this meant that he'd have to confront his stepmother, but he'd hoped that the actual confrontation could wait until after the wedding.

Ares took in the scene in horror. His mother and his half brother were about to ruin the most happiest day of his life! He started sobbing again.

Iolaus rolled his eyes, groaning in resignation as he waiting for the lightening bolts to start to fly.

Strife hugged Cupie harder, hoping he'd be able to keep his feathered hot hunk of Studliness out of the line of fire. The Love God hugged him back, praying that no stray power bolt his the soon-to-be mother/father of their new bundles of blissful joy.

Autolycus grabbed Discord's hand, ready to haul his little Dollface out of there the minute things turned violent. The goddess dug her nails into his hand, wanting to stay for the action.

Joxer gathered his power, ready to forcibly put a stop to this if necessary.

Xena's hand flew to her chakram and she braced for the first sign of aggression.

Beraeus wondered if his girls got caught in the crossfire, would they look even sexier dead?

Gabrielle's eyes narrowed and the scroll above the hall began smoking as the quill moved impossibly faster.

Deimos and Phobos cackled in anticipation of the bloodshed.

Zeus snored.

Hera looked at the gathering before her. Her hatred of Hercules burned bright.and yet.the other gods in the pantheon looked so disappointed. They'd come here for a celebration and now it was turning into yet another round of violence and they were all tired of it. They wanted nothing more than peace and tranquility in their lives. The demi-god's friends were all ready to defend him. They'd already taken down Zeus, so it was unlikely they'd have a problem with her. And then there was Ares. Looking at the tears pouring down her beloved son's face, hearing his high-pitched, choking sobs, the Queen of the Gods suddenly felt the hatred in her heart thaw.

She couldn't do this to her poor, fragile son. He'd suffered so much already under Zeus' cruelty, he deserved a nice wedding.

"Hercules." The Queen of the Gods held her hands out to the demigod.

Suspicious, the dark haired half god stepped forward and took her hands. He yelped when he was suddenly pulled into a hug.

"I'm *so* sorry," Hera said, hugging him. "I've been so *blind* all these years!!!! My anger at my husband's infidelity has blinded me to what a good and decent person you are and I'm *so* terribly *sorry*!!"

The demi-god had never thought to hear those words and tears came to his big blue eyes. "I never thought I'd hear you say that!!!" he said, hugging her hard.

"I mean it, Hercules. From now on you'll be like my own son!!! And I hope you'll forgive me for that little incident with Deianeira too."

"Of course," he pulled back to look at her, "mother. I know you were just having a bad day. It's all forgotten."

"You're so sweet." Hera leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek.

The entire pantheon breathed a huge sigh of relief, except for Deimos and Phobos who grumbled about being denied some decent bloodshed for their wedding, and Zeus who was now drooling as he snored.

~!~!~!~!
Erin
Keeper of Hera's multiple personalities
Planner of really dramatic Olympian weddings

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My FanFiction.Net page
http://www.fanfiction.net/~erinstrifelvr

My page on AJCS (come laugh at the typos in my fic)
http://www.aresjoxercupidstrife.com/erinl.html

The old KSA archive with some of my old fic on it
http://www.slashaholics.org/ksa/index.htm

Joxerotica II, because I'm archived here.
http://www.joxerotica.com/

Hey, I'm archived here too!
http://www.asherasarchive.com/main.html

And here!
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And h-- do I really have to say it?
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Title: Pair of Fools 30/31

Authors: Candace and Erin, producers of prolific punctuation

Parte 30 auhtor: Erin

Fandom: Herc-Xena

Pairing: The other three couples tying the knot.

Summary: The wedding of the mellinium (BCE) continues

Archive: Candace's Fuge, Erin's House-O-Fanfic, our LJs, RCoS

Feedback: I'm feeling soooo neglected here; if you don't send me feedback I'll never write again so there!

Ratings: PG for mushiness.

Warnings:  LOTS AND LOTS OF ROMANCE AND ITS REAL ROMANTIC SEW IF U DONT LIKE THAT THEN TOO BAD!!!!!

Disclaimer: Iyay aimclay onay ownershipyay ofyay esethay ovelylay, ovelylay, andyay osay eryvay othay aracterschay. I'myay onlyyay oldingfay, indlingspay andyay utilatingmay eirthay aracterizationschay orfay ymay ownyay amusementsyay andyay otay ovepray ayay ittlelay ointpay. On'tday uesay emay; etgay ayay ensesay ofyay umorhay insteadyay. Esslay expenseyay onyay othbay ouryay artspay.

69696969696969
PAIR of fooLS
Part 30
69696969696969

Hercules and Iolaus stepped forward, hands clasped together, eyes filled with love for each other. Herk had exchanged his usual brown pants and boots and cream colored shirt for white pants, boots and shirt with a gold belt. Just before they'd walked out, the Golden Hunter had exchanged his clothes for an outfit of entirely neon green. Everyone had already seen his other new outfit and he wanted something totally NEW! Besides, he thought that this one better symbolized how bright his love burned for the demigod. Hercules thought he looked radiant.

"Hercules and Iolaus," Hera said, bestowing a loving smile on her step-son and his chosen partner, once mortal and now a god. "It will be an honor to join you two in marriage. Have you any words to say to each other."

"Yeah." The demigod looked down at his lover. "You're *all* I've ever _wanted_, Little Buddy. I've never loved *anyone* like _you_. Deianeira was just a *bump* in the road on my way to finding _true_ _love_ with **you**, and the kids.well.those things happen but thanks to *Hera* we don't have to worry about *them*. It's all going to be *perfect* between you and me, my ***love***!!!"

The blond man sniffed loudly, tears in his blue orbs. "Wow, Herk, that means so much to me!!!! I've never felt complete until I met you. And I know that even though I'm just a pretty face and I'm kind of helpless, you'll always be there to protect me, even though I'm a god now I'll still need that from you *always*!!!!"

"Of course, Little Buddy!" Herk wrapped him in a tight hug, kissing the golden curls on top of Iolaus' pretty little head. "And we can still travel all around Greece helping people, or we can live here on Olympus with my loving family!!"

"I wanna travel, Herk!" The Golden Hunter said perkily. "I wanna help people and on the way, eat everything in sight!!!!"

"That's my Iolaus!!" The brown haired man hugged him hard.

Hera smiled wider, happy to see the newest additions to her family so happy. "I now pronounce you married. You may kiss."

They did, long and passionately.

After a few minutes of loud smacking and sucking noises accompanied by moans and gropes, the crowd started to grow a bit restless and bored, afterall, there were still two more weddings to go and they promised to be even more entertaining.

It was Iolaus who finally broke their lip lock. "I want to live my life kissing you, Herk," he sighed dreamily, "but I gotta eat, so let's let everyone else get married so we can get to the food."

But then the Golden Hunter remembered what he'd done with the food and for a moment overwhelming depression hit. "Oh gods, Herk! The food's all *#ruined#*!!!! What are we gonna do?!?!" Tears dripped from his large eyes as the overwhelming tragedy hit him. "We *can't* have a wedding without **food**!!!!!!" Next to Hercules, food was the most important part of Iolaus' life and not having it was a horrible tragedy.

"Hey, relax, Little Buddy." The demigod grinned knowingly. Your the God Of Prepared Foods now, right? So just create some more."

"You're right, Herk!!!" The blond man's tears dried up as he realized how, once again his lover was right. With a wave of his hand, the table was once again filled with all sorts of delicacies.

A cheer went up from the crowd as the gathered gods realized that they'd have food for the reception.

"Yea, dat's real nice n'all, now outta our way 'cause we g'nna get hitched." Strife said sarcastically, shoving the demigod and newly made god out of the way and dragging Cupid up in front of Hera.

The Love God had put on a pair of white pants and waxed his feathers until they gleamed. The Mischief God had insisted on oiling Cupie's chest too just because it looked hot. Plus he figured that they could put the oil to good use later. Strife had put on an outfit of pale blue, reflecting his pretty blue eyes and showing off his black hair which he'd spike'd up even higher than normal.

"Yo, Granny." Strife grinned up at the Queen of the Gods. "Me 'n fethahs heah, we figuah dat we're like, so totally perf'ct fer each othah, so's hows aboutchya tyin' da not fer us?"

Hera smiled tolerantly, then frowned as she noticed something. "Grandson, you're.pregnant!!"

The announcement sent a wave of surprise and not a little trepidation through the gathered crowd. The thought of Strife having a kid wasn't something most of the pantheon wanted to think about. Cupid on the other hand, was thrilled.

"*Sweetie*!!!" the blond god hugged the dark haired one hard.

"I *knew* it!!!" Strife giggled happily. "Toldjya I'd be gettin' knock'd right up, ya big hunk 'a love." He kissed Cupie.

"Children!" Hera said sharply, if not unkindly. "Save that for after the vows!"

"O, s'rry Grans." Strife grinned at her.

"Sorry, Grandmother," Cupid said with a blush.

"That's alright." She smiled, happy to see them so happy. "Now do you two have anything to say to each other?"

"O, yea, tot'ly!" The Mischief God giggled again. "We g't dis all figahd o't!"

"Yea! 'Pol found this awesome song from the future," the Love God enthused. "We decided to sing it to each other!"

"That's very sweet, boys," Hera agreed with a smile.

"Cupie, yer da sweet'st tin' dat *eva* came inta my life!!!!!" Strife said sappily. "I jus want'd som'tin' dat would tell ya how much ya m'n ta me." He dropped to one knee in front of his winged bundle of love, and pitching his voice a bit higher, began to sing.

"You have so many relationships in this life,

But only one or two will last.

You go through all the pain and strife,

Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast.

Oh yeah. They're gone so fast."

Blue eye's shining with tears of happiness, Cupie grinned down at his spiky-black haired hunk-o-mischief and sang back.

"Oh, so hold on to the ones who really care,

In the end they'll be the only ones there.

When you get old and start losing your hair,

Can you tell me who will still care?

Can you tell me who will still care? Oh care."

Together they chorused.

"MMMBop, ba duba dop ba do bop,

Ba duba dop ba do bop,

Ba duba dop ba do. Oh yeah,

MMMBop ba duba dop ba do bop,

Ba duba dop ba do bop,

Ba duba dop ba do"

The entire pantheon sighed at the romance of it all.

When Strife stood again, he literally threw his arms around Cupid, hugging the winged god hard. Cupie hugged him back and kissed him hard.

Hera sighed indulgently. "I suppose kissing is fine now. I declare you married."

The two young gods were too busy sucking at each other's tongues to hear her. Hands slid over oiled skin, wings folded around a dark haired god while pale fingers slid into blond hair.

Every god in the pantheon adjusted themselves while the goddesses squirmed in their seats. The temperature in the room went up drastically and given a few more minutes an orgy may well have broken out. Fortunately the two were interrupted by two gods pulling them apart.

"Sorry guys," Joxer apologized as he pulled Strife aside.

"It's our turn," Ares explained as he detached his son from his nephew.

"Huh?" Cupid's eyes were crossed and he couldn't think of much of anything except how hard he was and how much he wanted to get his new hubby horizontal and bury himself in his love's quivering channel of bliss.

"Whatevah." Strife couldn't take his eyes from his big, buff and bronzed, winged blond bombshell. The dark haired god wanted to ride his winged stud of Love's turgid rod of blazing destiny until they both dropped from exhaustion, or until they were both knocked up.

"Save it until *after* I'm married," Ares ordered the both of them.

Accustomed to obeying orders from him, both young gods nodded reluctantly. The rest of the pantheon grumbled a bit, they'd been looking forward to some good sex.

Joxer moved to stand in front of Hera, his makeshift armor replaced by silver pants and vest and black boots. 'Res looked at him, filled with awe at the vision of his love standing there, glowing before him. His mud brown eyes filled with tears of love when Joxer smiled at him.

Ares had changed out of the aggressive looking black weather he'd always worn at Zeus' insistence. He never had liked black, but Zeus had beat him if he didn't wear it. Now he could wear his favorite color, hot pink. His shirt and pants and boots were all died the lovely color, and although most of the pantheon had to shield their eyes or risk blindness, they all agreed that it looked adorable on the God of War.

"Hiya, shnuckums," Jox purred, taking the dark haired War God's hands.

"Hey, Poopsie." 'Res almost melted at the steaming look his lover gave him.

"Ares, my son!" Hera gasped in happiness. "You too are with child!!!"

"I.I.I'm.*pregnant*?!?!?!?!?!" 'Res whispered in shock, his eyes filling with tears of joy. "Did you *hear* that, Joxie? I'm gonna have your *child*!! Oh gods, this day is now absolutely *****_##__PERFECT__##_***** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He burst into tears of boundless joy.

"It **IS** perfect!!!!!!!!" Jox enthused! He wrapped his arms around his hot pink perfect partner. "We're gonna have to move into a larger temple because I'm going to keep you pregnant for *centuries* to come!!!!" Tears of pure joy dripped down his face.

"I wouldn't want it *any* other *way*!!!!" the War God sobbed in agreement, tears falling onto the wide lapels of his shirt.

"This is *awesome*!!!" Cupie broke in suddenly. "You and Strife knocked up at the same time! Maybe me and Jox can get pregnant too!!!!"

"That sounds fun," Joxer agreed with a teary-eyed grin.

"O!! I forgot but now it's the perfect time!" The winged Love God held out something to Ares. "It's the amulet you gave me, Dad. I didn't need it but I've put my own protection spell on it and it'll let Joxer know if there's any problem with you or the baby. Any danger will set it off."

"*Thank* *you*," Ares breathed, taking the amulet gratefully. "I wasn't sure *how* I was going to protect myself or my *baby* when I'm out there alone without *Jox* by my side. But now I'll be totally safe!"

"*Thank* *you* Cupid!!" Joxer grinned. "I would've been *so* worried about him when I couldn't be *with* him!"

"No problem, dude. Just keep my pop safe!" Cupie gave them both a thumbs up, then went back to cuddle with Strife.

"You're so sweet," the Mischief God said sighingly, kissing the other god's cheek.

"You're the perfect one for me," Joxer said sniffingly, eyes overflowing with tears as he looked as his newly-protected lover. "I *love* you, 'Res!!!!!"

"Not as much as I love *you*, Sweetums!"

"No, I love you more, Honeybunch!"

"I love *you* more, Snickerdoddle!"

"I love *you* more!"

"I love you *more*!"

Joxer sighed tearily. "My love for you is as boundless as the Peace I represent, Honeymuffin!"

'Res sobbed openly. "I just wanna give up this whole War gig and be your pregnant little Love Horsey. But I know War is necessary to keep the population of Greece in check and to prevent hunger, so I'll do my job."

"And I'll help you with it, Sugarpie." Cheeks streaked with tears, the Peace God smiled waterily. "Whenever all that nasty killing and death gets to be too much you can come to me and I'll hold you and comfort you!"

"You're the *perfect* shoulder for me to cry on!!!" the War God declared, then broke down in tears and sobs in his lover's arms. Jox joined him joyfully, sobbing aloud.

"That will do just fine as vows, boys," Hera said, wiping away a tear of her own. "I now pronounce you husband and wife.I mean.husband and husband."

"No, that's okay," Ares said between the tears and sobs, "I want to be his wife. I want to have his babies and be his little woman!"

"Wow, 'Res, that's just what *I* wanted too! Just you, me, Mr. Cuddles and all our little kids running all over!!!" Grabbing his lover, Joxer bent him backwards and swooped down for a deep kiss.

Ares sighed and swooned in tearful joy.

-------

"MMMbop" lyrics by Hanson

0o0o0o
Erin
Lyricist to the gods

Erin's House-O-Fanfic
http://www.slashaholics.org/erin/warning.html

House-O-Fanfic mailing list
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IWJTCSN mailing list
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Ravings of an Unbalanced Mind
http://erinslashslut.livejournal.com/

My AdultFanFiction.Net page
http://adultfan.nexcess.net/aff/authors.php?no=9038

My FanFiction.Net page
http://www.fanfiction.net/~erinstrifelvr

My page on AJCS (come laugh at the typos in my fic)
http://www.aresjoxercupidstrife.com/erinl.html

The old KSA archive with some of my old fic on it
http://www.slashaholics.org/ksa/index.htm

Joxerotica II, because I'm archived here.
http://www.joxerotica.com/

Hey, I'm archived here too!
http://www.asherasarchive.com/main.html

And here!
http://www.redkrowe.com/~jla/

And h-- do I really have to say it?
http://www.geocities.com/rcostrife/rcosmain.html