e know the definitions and as writers, we often visit both sides of the issue when we construct a story. Canon is what gives us a basis for our fan fiction, but it's often fanon that shapes whole genres of fandom. A certain trait or personality quirk of a character is emphasized and repeated over and over because writers find it desirable or perhaps think it defines the character in some way, regardless of whether or not it was a frequent occurrence in canon. (Examples can be made of Spike's supposed love of marshmallows in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Methos throwing beer tabs behind Macleod's fridge in Highlander, and Cupid's jealous transformation into a green eyed monster on Hercules the Legendary Journeys. These are all things that rarely happened -- perhaps only once -- in canon, but occur constantly in fan fiction.) There are times, however, when fanon is inspired by fan fiction itself, as is the case in the Hercules-Xena-Young Hercules fandom.

Some years back, three writers took a chance and wrote an odd paring: Ares/Joxer. The two characters hadn't shared much screen time and what they had wasn't exactly overflowing with chemistry. Those writers took a shot though and for a long time it looked as though they'd be all alone in their strange tastes. Then they began to slowly attract notice and the pairing took on a life of its own as more and more writers attempted it.

A few years ago, an author wrote a new characterization of Ares. She stated that the story took place in an alternate world so as to excuse Ares' rather odd behavior, and since it was a completely new characterization at the time, no one thought it particularly bad. It was simply...new. In this story, Ares was a kinder, gentler version of the God of War we'd come to know on the shows, as were most of his family. He had a caring, loving side which he lavished on Joxer, his new lover. Everything was blissful, mushy happiness and there wasn't anything necessarily wrong with that.

Around the same time another author wrote a little story wherein Cupid and Strife got together for a little bit of PWP fun. Two characters who'd never shared screen time; it was a novel idea but it didn't receive overwhelming support. At first.

What do these anecdotes have in common? The fact that they were all the spawning points for fanon convention. Once Ares/Joxer caught on, there was no stopping it. At the same time, although they were far slower to develop, the new "fluffy" version of Ares and the pairing of Cupid/Strife began to gain popularity. When the three finally met, it was a collision of massive fanon that resulted in what has since become a mind boggling overflow of badfic.

What makes this badfic? Certainly not any singular one of those elements, or even those elements at all, it's what's been done with them that crossed the boundary. When every male in the story bursts into tears at a moment's notice; when gods we know as a fact from canon to be bad guys/girls, are suddenly misunderstood fluffy good guys in black leather with no good explanation; when the good guys/girls suddenly turn into bigoted, small-minded dolts; when the characters start talking in incomprehensible accents; when every female canon love interest is turned into a manipulative bitch just to get her out of the way of m/m true love; when love just isn't considered true love or even true marriage unless the man gets pregnant; that is when you either have a truly hilarious parody, or an extremely horrific badfic.

This is probably a good point to discuss the concept of "stylistic" or "creative" characterization versus plain old bad writing. 

The defense of so many of the authors who pen badfic is that this is their "vision" of the characters, or that since this is their story, they can do whatever they want and it's not wrong. Of course an author has the right to write whatever characterization they feel like, it's called "free will," but that doesn't make it good writing either. These aren't "characterizations," they're "caricatures," or, to use a fan fiction term, the characters are severely OOC (out of character). The reply of many serious authors to these claims of "vision" and "it's my story" is simply, why write fan fiction? If someone is that set on writing characters that bear no resemblance to the ones in the shows, then why not simply write an original story? Why turn good characters into parodies of themselves? It's just plain bad writing.

Let's cover a few fanon conventions now, and what makes them so horrific to serious fan fiction authors.

Ares, God of War, fanon: 

• He's really a very kind and gentle person who's either been forced into his position by Zeus and hates it, or he does his job as carefully as possible because Greece needs war to keep the population in check, and he always goes out of his way to make sure "innocents" aren't hurt. 
• Ares cries without reservations. 
• He refers to his lover by extremely sappy nicknames (i.e. sweetheart, darling, honey). 
• He becomes pregnant and carries it by conventional mortal means (sex, morning sickness, nine months, etc.).

• He is a Very Bad God. (Note the capitals.) Not only is Ares very happy with his job, he revels in it. He starts wars for the fun of it and killing innocent people is a great game for him, especially when he knows he can use it to manipulate the good guys. 
• Ares is in no way fluffy or sweet. He can be seductive and sexy, but that does not automatically equate to good. 
• The Ares we know in canon would never allow himself to become pregnant like some mere mortal. If, on the extremely off chance he did become pregnant, he likely would aborted it or carry it by some godly, unconventional method. Either way, he most likely would not be happy about it.

• He's usually one of two things, a mortal who's been horribly and deliberately abused and neglected by his father and friends, or a demi-god who's secretly working for his godly parent, usually Strife, against Xena and Hercules. 
• He's highly intelligent, handsome, and sometimes secretly an expert warrior. 
• He's usually one of Ares' most devoted worshipers. 
• He overcomes his love for Gabrielle, or realizes he never truly loved her because she treats him so badly. 
• He ends up as Ares' husband and as a peaceful, and often pregnant, god. 
• He's the solution to saving the world. 

• Joxer might've been neglected by his father, but there was never any real sign of abuse. 
• Joxer is not conventionally handsome and he's extremely far from being anything resembling a good warrior; he's a clumsy, not so bright doofus, basically. 
• Joxer loves Gabrielle, really loves her, even when he's sleeping with Meg. Joxer may be deluded about many things in life, but his feelings for Gabrielle aren't one of them. 
• There's never any mention of Joxer's religious leanings but it has been stated and shown in more than one episode that Ares thinks Joxer is a worthless excuse for a warrior. 
• Joxer is the key to saving the world at least once, but it's with the help of his friends; he's never the solo act.

• He is referred to constantly as the "God of Mischief." 
• His real name is often not "Strife" but "Erin." 
• His real job has next to nothing to do with serious trouble; he really focuses on "harmless" things like jokes and children. In fact, Strife loves children. 
• He's only mildly naughty and not really a bad guy at all. 
• Discord either abused him horribly as a child and Ares raised him, or Discord is the most loving mother he could ever have had. 
• He talks with an nearly incomprehensible accent, a mix of valley and inner city, wherein he hardly enunciates a single word that comes out of his mouth. 
• He's severely lonely and in love secretly with Cupid. 
• He becomes Cupid's husband and has Cupid's child.

• He has never once been referred to as the "God of Mischief." Strife certainly never refers to himself by that title and in fact, seems to be angling for a better job. 
• Strife is never credited with any other name. ("Erin" is in fact, a historically female name as well as being another name for Ireland.) 
• Strife tries his very best to cause the worst damage possible, in the most harmful manner he can come up with. He's a screw up, true, but when he gets things right, it's bad news for his target. (Anyone remember Serena?)
• He's shown no remorse about killing innocent mortals and shows no particular interest in children.
• There has never once been any mention of Strife's parentage. We know Ares is his uncle, but even in Young Hercules, he never called Discord, "mother." We do know from the dialogue that she's older than him by a millennium, but their interaction is more along the lines of sibling rivalry than it is parent/child.
• Strife enunciates his words clearly without a "ya" or "tha" or "nothin'" in sight. 
• Strife never meets Cupid on the show and seems to get his base needs fulfilled just fine by various minor goddesses or priestesses, judging from the episodes "Encounter" and "Treasure of Zeus." 
• The likelihood of Strife becoming pregnant is probably somewhere up there with the odds of the Earth stopping dead in its orbit right this instant.

• Big, buff, and broken hearted, Cupid is one hunk-o-angst. Torn up by Psyche's betrayal of him -- pick a method; she betrays him somehow -- he's now pining away over his cousin, Strife. 
• In many, if not all cases, Cupid has always loved Strife and marrying Psyche was a mistake because, 1) he shot himself with his own arrow, or 2) he thought he couldn't have Strife so he turned to Psyche and thought it was love. 
• He's quick to drop Psyche from his life at the first show of interest from Strife. 
• He's a young god who grew up with Strife.
• He's taller than Strife.
• His main goals in life are to raise his son Bliss and to make Strife his happy hubby.

• He is definitely a big hunk-o-broodiness the first time we meet him, but that's because he's dealing with unrequited love. Cupid has one Love of His Life™. Her name is Psyche. He pines after her on the show, turns into a green eyed monster out of jealousy over her, and even defies his mother to prove that he loves Psyche. The next time we see Cupid, he's perfectly happy with Psyche and Bliss, no sign of marital problems at all. 
• Cupid was never once shown on the same screen, or even in the same episode as Strife.
• Karl Urban, the actor who plays Cupid, is 6'1", the exact same height as Joel Tobeck, the actor who plays Strife. Cupid is slightly more muscular than Strife, but not by much. Cupid is far less built than Ares, for instance.
• We have no idea how old Cupid is from the show, although it's safe to say he's younger than Aphrodite. In mythology, however, many myths state that he's one of the first gods. Either way, it's very doubtful he's as young as Strife, or even grew up with him.

• Manipulative, cheating, scheming, cold-hearted, uber-bitch. She marries Cupid just to become a goddess and doesn't love him at all. She's bored with him and seeks out other gods to entertain her in the bedroom. 
• She's emotionally abusive to Cupid and sometimes Bliss as well. 
• She doesn't love Bliss and is a horrible mother. 
• She sometimes uses magical means to keep Cupid infatuated with her. 
• She hates Strife because she knows Cupid loves him. 
• She's looking for the first opportunity to divorce Cupid, retain her godhood, and move to some more powerful god's bed. 
• If she's ever referred to by her proper title, "Goddess of the Mind," there's usually another title attached, "and Manipulation," or something similar to "explain" her bitchiness.

• There isn't much we really know about her from the show, other than the fact that she does love Cupid and they're happy together. It's mythology that really blows the fanon version of her out of the water. Psyche not only loves Cupid, she loves him so much that she goes through hell for him -- literally, folks; the woman walks into Tartarus for a chance to be reunited with Cupid. 
• If she's ever manipulative, it's to get revenge on her vain and jealous sisters who push her into looking at Cupid's face -- something he'd forbidden -- which drives him away from her. She makes her sisters pay for that, but what woman wouldn't? 
• Psyche does everything she can to prove herself to both Cupid and Aphrodite, and by all accounts she was a model mother to the children she bore Cupid. 
• This is a strong, loving woman, not some two-dimensional tramp, and she only ever had one title, "Goddess of the Mind."

• Backstabbing, close-minded, abusive bitch. She cares for no one but herself and treats everyone like dirt, especially Joxer. She goes out of her way to insult Joxer, hit him, put him down in every way possible just so she can feel better about herself. 
• When Joxer inevitably realizes he doesn't love her -- it's always inevitable in these stories -- she's furious that he's out of her grasp because now he no longer devotes all his affections and desire to her, as she believes is her right. 
• When everyone in the story is fighting to save the world, Gabrielle is likely to switch her loyalties to the other side simply because she's really an evil, self-centered bitch.

• Not only does Gabrielle care about others, she sometimes has the fault of caring too much, especially in the first couple seasons. She often puts herself, and yes, others as well, in danger because she cares so much about doing the right thing that she doesn't see the danger until it's almost too late, or at times she simply can't avoid the danger. She does become more responsible through the years, more capable too and is able to help without causing problems for everyone. 
• Both she and Xena are very good friends to Joxer. Sometimes they ignore him and yes, Gabrielle does smack him a few times, but keep in mind how insulting and outright annoying Joxer is much of the time; she reacts appropriately most times. It's made obvious in many episodes how much they really do care for Joxer as a friend, and indeed, sometimes how much they do ignore him, but it's never malicious neglect. 
• Gabrielle does some wrong things, saving Hope, allying herself with Ares to get to Chin before Xena, but always because she's trying to work towards the greater good. She never means for things to go wrong, even if in the end, they do. Gabrielle is by no means perfect, but she isn't one of the bad guys either, not by a long shot.

• Xena is one of the few characters that the badfic writers don't warp too badly. She always remains one of the good guys and a caring, strong person. However, the fanon Xena is blind to Gabrielle's self-centered mean ways. 
• She's also blind to the fact that war is necessary; despite being a warlord herself for years, it never once occurs to her that war is needed to control the excess mortal population, to avoid starvation, to let off aggression, to [insert excuse here]. Not until Ares, Joxer, Strife, or someone of that "House" explains it to her does she begin to grasp the concept. 
• She is always Ares' daughter.

• Xena is neither stupid nor clueless, nor is she blind. She loves Gabrielle as her closest friend (and yes, a case can be made for another type of love), and not only is she well aware of Gabrielle's flaws, she helps Gabrielle to overcome them, to be a better, stronger person by example. 
• Xena would never travel with someone who was as deliberately mean and cruel as the fanon Gabrielle is made out to be, and Xena would certainly never call someone like that a friend. 
• Xena is well aware of the nature of war, having waged it herself for years. The wars she has stopped over the years are random violence, little more than an entertainment for Ares, or they were senseless squabbles over territory between powerful mortals. She does good deeds in stopping these wars. 
• She is also not Ares' daughter. That was a trick Xena pulled on the Furies to stop them from punishing her for killing her real father. Neither she nor Ares really believe that he is her father, as was shown in numerous episodes.

• Knuckle-dragging, pig-headed, stick up his ass, moron. He is blind to the true, caring nature of the gods, except for Zeus, whom he believes to be a just, loving person when in reality, Zeus is an evil, manipulative rapist/psycho. 
• Hercules goes around mindlessly stopping "needed" wars and spreading false, ugly rumors about his poor, maligned half-brother, Ares. 
• He believes that the only goal Ares and Strife have is to cause him and his loved ones harm. He refuses to believe that Ares and Strife are actually kind, loving gods who are just misunderstood. 
• Hercules is quick to turn on anyone who doesn't share his beliefs.

• He's very much aware of the true nature of the gods, namely, that some of them are nice -- so far as powerful beings with little understanding of human mortality can be, some of them are neutral, and some of them are outright evil. Ares and Strife fall under the latter category, and Hercules knows this. 
• He also knows that Zeus is a god with severe flaws and there's no love lost between them. He does wish for a better relationship with his father, but he knows it can never happen until Zeus learns a better (more human) sense of morality and values. 
• Hercules fights in wars when it's necessary and stops them when they aren't necessary. He doesn't do it arbitrarily. 
• He is by no means an idiot or a bigot; he tolerates other people's beliefs and points of views just fine, so long as it's not hurting anyone.

• No one is too sure where this came from. The gods are separated into houses. Ares, Discord, Strife and all the "War" gods are put into the House of War. Aphrodite, Cupid and Bliss are in the House of Love. Apollo, Athena, Psyche and others fit into the House of Intellect. Hades and other Underworld gods go into Death. It's a toss up as to where all the other gods are; it depends on the author. These designations give all the gods fixed jobs, it also helps the author and reader fit the gods into a certain "place," a frame of reference. Everything is all neat and tidy on Olympus with the Houses.

• Doesn't exist. That's right; it. Does. Not. Exist. And why would it? Why would a god need to be pigeon-holed into a slot? How could it even be done with some of the gods? What about ones like Hephaestus? Where does he fit? Or Dionysus? Or Poseidon? And what about gods like Persephone? Ones who live in one place but are associated with another? Where do they fit? That's the problem with this method of classification; it simply doesn't work. There's no need for it either. If one god thinks another is infringing on his/her territory, they can sort it out between them, no need for designated "Houses."

• Every guy is a baby machine. Ares is waddling around nine months gone, Strife has morning sickness and Joxer is getting chubby. 
• Every time a guy, god or not, gets knocked up, they have all the classical symptoms of female human pregnancy. 
• Pregnancy is the catalyst for two of the love interests getting married, or it's what makes them realize they love each other, or it's a horrible crisis for the pregnant guy until he realizes how wonderful it is and that he really does love his boyfriend. 
• It's always an accident.
• A kind of sidebar to this category is male breastfeeding. Once the male character(s) have given birth, they then breastfeed their child just like a normal human woman. The other case is usually Cupid breastfeeding Bliss after Psyche has abandoned them.

• Once again, this does. Not. Happen. At least not the way it's normally written in badfic. Why would it? Why would a god decided to become pregnant? Which brings up a good point; these are gods, very powerful beings who most likely have absolute control over their reproductive process. There is no way a god could become pregnant by accident. This would have to be a planned thing. And assuming for some reason one did become pregnant, why would it ever resemble a human pregnancy? 
• Morning sickness is a woman's immune system responding to what it perceives as a parasitic invasion. Going by that scientific fact, why would a god ever have morning sickness? Assuming they even have an immune system, wouldn't they just repress it? The same can be said for all the "classical" symptoms such as swollen feet, bad backs and weight gain; a god would simply will those things not to happen. 
• And what's to say a god would carry a child for nine months? Why not nine years? Or nine days? And why must it always be a baby? Athena sprung from Zeus' head fully grown and armed for battle; Dionysus was stitched into Zeus' thigh for three months and when the stitches were removed, he was fully formed, so why wouldn't a god give birth to a grown god/dess? 
• Wouldn't the child have some say over the manner of their birth, given that they too are a god/dess? 
• For another point, since when does becoming pregnant equate to true love? How does bearing a child mean that you truly love someone? It doesn't. Pregnancy is not a way to prove love and it is not the inevitable conclusion to marriage.
• Why would a god need to breastfeed a baby? Have wet nurses suddenly become extinct? What's wrong with good old goat's milk? For that matter, why would baby gods need milk to begin with? Don't gods eat ambrosia?
• These are logical, fact and mythology-based questions and statements that are never addressed in fanon badfic.

Someone new comes into the Herc-Xena fandom and sees all of this badfic -- it's hard to miss since it's so prolific these days. That person decides to try their hand at writing, either never having seen a single episode of the shows themselves, or not having seen them since the last new episodes ran. Since their memories of the shows are fuzzy or nonexistent, they assume that this massive quantity of fic must reflect the reality of the show, i.e., canon. After all, the body of badfic out there is pretty much the same plot and ideas just written slightly differently each time. It's easy for a newcomer to be confused and take it for canon.

So this newbie writes a story. Maybe it has potential, maybe it's utter crap, but it really doesn't matter because when it's posted to the right list -- one that devours fanon badfic like candy -- it'll be met with choruses of, "omg thats so gret i luv yor fic youl rit mor wont u???!!one!!!" Regardless of the quality of the fic, that is the response it will receive. Some responses will contain a better knowledge of the English language and others will be more dreadful netspeak, but they will all have one thing in common, they will demand more fanon badfic. No one will ever give an author constructive criticism. No one will point out bad spelling, punctuation or grammar. No one will give advice on constructing a better plot, better description or dialogue. There will simply be a demand for more, more, more. Give us more crap because we can't tell the difference between that and the actual good fic.

With that kind of response, no author is ever given the incentive to improve. No author has any way of knowing they need to improve. There's an audience for complete trash and that's all any author has to write to receive mindless feedback. It's an extremely sad direction that section of the fandom has turned towards and it shows no sign of letting up, but there is still the occasional author out there who somehow finds their way out of that bog of stench, or authors who are trying desperately to never venture anywhere near it. It's not the easy road to chose, but if you take pride in your work, it's the higher road.

Now, unfortunately fanfic authors can't live by canon alone, and any author in this fandom who swears they've never used a single fanon convention probably needs to go back and reread their own work. Everyone uses them. The difference is, serious authors don't rely on those conventions for the entire development of their characters. Canon is referred to far more often, and mythology even more so. Serious authors strive for new and different looks at the characters, their characterizations and histories; they don't write stories with other fanfic as their sole basis and reference. That way lies badfic.

very author has their own writing style and while there's nothing wrong with that, there are some things, technical aspects, that are wrong. What follows are some examples of the wrong way to do things, and explanations of what makes them incorrect.

"Yea. I'm like, so.so **_IN_** **_LOVE_** with you!!!!!!" Cupid growled.

Okay, what's wrong with the above sentence? 

1) Let's start with the first thing. "Yea" rhymes with, "nay." It's an archaic expression now used almost solely in the legal system or in formal proceedings during voting. (i.e. "When your name is called, state 'yea' or 'nay' on the proposal.")

The word that should be at the beginning of that sentence is, "Yeah." It rhymes somewhat with, "Nah." "Yeah" is a slang form of the word, "yes" that we use in America, although its use has likely spread far outside our borders.

2) The second thing wrong with this sentence is the lack of ellipses. "so.so" should be written as, "so...so" because the standard punctuation mark for a pause in speech is a set of three periods, in other words, ellipses.

3) Thirdly, there is absolutely no need to slap that much emphasis on any word. Not only does it look bad, it's technically incorrect. Instead of, "**_IN_**," it should read, "*in*." For both words, "**_IN_** **_LOVE_**," should be reduced to, "*in love*." Using the asterisks around both words cuts down on the clutter of having four of them in there while still getting across the emphasis. Capitalization is also unnecessary if you're going to use another form of emphasis with it. Choose one or the other, not both.

4) Overpunctuation is the catch word for the day here. There is no excuse for using more than one set of punctuation marks. "you!!!!!!" should be, "you!" And if that isn't enough emphasis, then it can be written as, "*you*!" to get it across. The same goes for anything in this line: "?!?!?!" or "??????" or any other set of multiple punctuations. Chose one and stick with it. Find another way to place emphasis on words if you need to.

5) "Cupid growled." Okay, when was the last time you growled out an entire sentence? Try it sometime, you'll sound like an idiot and probably end up with a sore throat on top of it. Face it, we don't talk that way. We don't hiss whole sentences, sneer them, sniff them, or sob them. Therefore, the only way to phrase the last part of the sentence so that it makes sense, is like this: "Cupid said with a growl." Or some variant thereof. Cupid can still growl, but he's not going to be growling the sentence.

Here's the entire sentence, corrected:

"Yeah. I'm like, so...so *in love* with you!" Cupid said with a growl.

Now for a little something different.

The smaller man looked up at Hercules and the demi-god frowned. Iolaus shook his head. The larger man sighed in resignation and the blond hunter grinned, knowing he'd won the argument with the stronger man.

Here are a few things to cut out of your vocabulary when you write: "the man/woman/god(dess)," "the smaller/larger man/woman/god(dess)," "the [insert hair/eye color here] man/woman/god(dess)," "the other man/woman/god(dess)," "the younger/older man/woman/god(dess)," "the demi-god," "the hunter," "the Warrior Princess," "the Amazon," "the bard," "the wannabe-warrior," "the thief," "the [insert title here] God(dess)," or any variation thereof. These titles are known as "epithets" and they are evil.

When you use epithets such as "the hunter" for Iolaus or "the bard" for Gabrielle, you're doing them an injustice. You're compartmentalizing them. By referring to them or any other character in that fashion, you're stating that those descriptions are all those characters are. You're saying that Iolaus is a hunter and nothing else, that Gabrielle is a bard twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week; it's an erroneous statement because we know none of those to be the case.

Iolaus is a hunter, true, but he's also a tracker, a soldier, a smith, a friend, a hero, a fighter, and so many other things that it's pointless to try to pigeon-hole his character. The same is true for Gabrielle; she's a bard, an Amazon princess, a sister, a widow, and much, much more. Every single character from Zeus down to Falafel can be described in multitudes of different ways, none of which should be used in place of a pronoun or their proper names.

The corrected sentence:

Iolaus looked up at Hercules who frowned at him. Iolaus shook his head. Hercules sighed in resignation and Iolaus grinned, knowing he'd won the argument.

And for another example:

As mentioned in the above discussion of characterization, Strife has never once in any of the episodes in which he appeared, talked in any way like the above sentence. Strife actually enunciates his words extremely well. Go back and watch his scenes, rerun the tape over and over and I promise you not once will you hear a "yer," "tha," "'n," or "ya." The only way Strife talks differently from the other gods is by inserting slang into his speech. That's what Ares' complaints are about where Strife's manner of talking is concerned.

What makes Strife such an odd character isn't just his use of slang, it's his body language. He moves differently from anyone else. What he says with words is nothing compared to what his body is saying. His movements are exaggerated, almost flamboyant at times. It seems that many authors have no way of either understanding this or expressing it through writing, so they give him a bad accent instead to make him stand out.

To reiterate, Strife does not speak like an inner city reject. He doesn't drop the "g" off of his words, he says "you" just fine, as well as "and," "to," and "your." He doesn't run his words together. There are no "getchyer," "didn'tchya," "wantchya," or any other such phrases in his speech. He does, however, use the occasional "gonna" and "wanna," as do most of the characters on the shows, but "kinda," "sorta," and "outta" are much more rare. You can't use them constantly. 

Writing Strife with a horrendous accent is not only technically wrong, it's a pain for readers to understand. When someone has to stop reading a fic and spend time trying to translate a character's speech, that's a sign that something is very wrong. Dialect can be good for showing that a character is from someplace foreign, or grew up in a different area of town, but it should never be taken to the extremes badfic!Strife has. And there's no excuse for writing dialect for Strife anyway, not when canon clearly shows us that he speaks very normally, probably even more correctly than your average American, even with the slang.

The corrected sentence:

"I told you to take the knife and get your ass outta here, Cupid! What're you still doing here?" Strife asked.

Just a few quick technical lessons to think about.